Lord I Want To Be Enough

 If you are any thing like me you want to feel you are enough! And you want to know someone sees you that is what God has been teaching me lately! And  for me that's a feeling I have been feeling lately! I found myself so carried away that I have forgotten how much control  my Father has! And this is huge to remember especially in the world we live in because lately I've thinking about all the struggles around me. I have been trying to carry everything when it's God's job to carry the world. I forget that He just allows me to be apart of it! And like I have mentioned many times when I have wrote or talked that God is breaking me down to surrender.
In that note I want to say surrender is soo hard!  I've been trying to run in circles but all my Father has been wanting is me!  I've been so concerned  over the little things. I've put my beauty in other things when God should be my first love! And even today I felt my heart tug on me because even though I have been on this high from the worship last night I have been soo consumed  in others hurt instead of trusting them to the One who holds all! Like I mentioned in my last blog God is teaching me He has not called me to perfection but He has called me to be His and in Him I am perfected!
 That is the lesson I am slowly learning even as I think about the worship last night with Kari Jobe and Rend Collective! I have forgotten the same freedom I felt last night in worship I can have it  here too ! I can have it where ever I go! And I can know He will show me where to go. It is like the verse I just read Matthew 6:33 that I must seek Him first!
To which I must own I haven't been so good at lately it  but with this blog God is reminding me as I write to you God is challenging me" Where will I put my energy ? Am I going to see myself as enough in Him ? Am I going to accept Him as enough?"
I think this can apply to any of us no matter our location because I am not going to lie I miss my home town soo much. I miss the  hikes, the root beer stand, the warmer weather, flowers, the falls, feeding ducks with my grandpa, singing in my church choir but I really  know that in end I must learn to let God  be my ultimate satisfaction and I must choose to see the beauty in all! I must choose to  keep going because  I am too blessed to stress as one of my room mates Yvonne told me! I must pick up and go! I must  realize I am me and that it's enough just as one of my favorite songs  Beautiful by Bethany Dillon goes which is what I will end with today !

Let Go of Miss Perfection & Planner

  The past few days God has been reminding me how important it is to take joy! And our  joy is a choice ! We can face our life with joy God's in control or we can sit in mess of frustration. This is what the Lord has been reminding me because I don't know about you but it is so easy for me to let little things get to me. I guess you could call me " Miss. Perfection and Planner."  Yikes ! I never thought I would give myself that title but I have seen her come a lot these past few days especially because I'm such a planner but unfortunately God has had to show me that  He is the planner!
Especially the past few months I've been in New York in just little things such as my plan to make soup with a friend but that didn't happen because of sickness in  the family. Although I have to be real that this has been a constant lesson for me. I can't tell you how many times I thought my life was going one way but went another I mean  honestly I  could list them:

•  April thought she would be a teacher but ends up being a Human Service major
• April thought she would transfer to Boyce but God kept her at Cumberland
•  April  thought she would be with this high school boy after college but God decides to teach her the gift of singleness
• April thought she was going to a Bible study one night but took the bus the wrong way. She ends up in a conversation with  the bus driver

I mean those are just a few  examples in my life. And I have to be honest God is breaking me down in New York! Especially this week because I don't even know how to plan or even  my life for that matter. I've been soo caught up building my dreams that I forgot that God's desires are far greater then mine! And it even goes deeper then my dreams because I tend to let my mistakes rob my joy as well. I'm not just talking about the big things but little such as the day I was using the dish washer at my  friends house and the sippy cup ends up with  a hole in it.

So, I guess even on that note I am learning two lessons into one pre/future parenting/ life tips and  sometimes you just have to  accept the mess. I'm telling you I never realized how hard it can be to claim joy but in all of this I am learning that maybe  April needs to be ok with not being perfect. I 'm not sure where I even thought I was but again we all know how the human mind can work! So, I think if I had to stand back and telling you the lesson I am really embracing it would be letting go of perfection and  planning! And so I with all of this I just want to say  that having a little mess or not knowing is ok =)  Something to learn to claim ! Praise God!

Don't Look At Me

 " Don't look at me if your looking for perfection. Don't look at me I will only let you down but I will do my best to point you  in the right direction..." Stacie Orrico


I don't know how many of your remember that song " Don't Look At Me ", but I remember it being one of my favorite songs in middle school and now that I am older I see so much truth in the song. This isn't a  song I really listen to any more but  as I think about the words I am coming to own I will let people down who are   around me. I will always want to love like Jesus but I'll never be able to love as deeply as Jesus! Although I yearn to daily I can't fulfill like Him !
And so I come before you learning to accept my weaknesses because on my own I can't  live. It is now that I am also reminded that it's truly Jesus who shines in us ! At the same time I say to any one looking on the outside  you can or  have the same power Jesus  has given me!
I'm no better then any of you! I know this growing up in my faith that  watching leaders I respected that they were only who they were because they  had Jesus!
So, if you hunger for this zeal I beg you to come to Jesus because just like the lady at the well we must say to Jesus come fill my cup !( John 4) I say this also because it is Jesus who I need more then I can comprehend! I am especially learning this  in New York because  there will always be a need but only Jesus fills the cup!!

He is my lover and I am so glad He begs me to dance with Him! And it is during our dance I can feel His sweet arms around me knowing I am weak! And in my weakness I learn to surrender the things or places I can't be. Again my love will fail but God's doesn't! So though  I can't reach all I know my Jesus can and does!  And I praise my Abba for He is Holy !!

There Is No Easy Path

 There is no easy path and there are no promises that everything will go your way but there is the promise that the Creator will hold your hand! The past few weeks and days I have observed a lot but what I have been grasping more and more is the Abba is my strength! And He alone will get you when no one else does. You will also have days you wish people could see or hear but remember that's Jesus's desire too! I personally can't imagine what He must see everyday when He looks at us! I mean I think about the fact what I see in New York doesn't compare to what Jesus sees!
It is one of the toughest places I have been but also one of the places I have come to love! If I could let you in to what  I and many others see I think our hearts would be rocked in more ways then one!
And  on that note I want to say while it's not Kentucky I want to say there is beauty here! There are so many stories around us and the adventures here  that keep you alive! I have meet soo many wonderful people and that is one of the reasons I love this place because truth be said I am not your girl that likes fast pace but I do love excitement of seeing the life around me!
There are no places to hike or mountains but there are parks which I plan to explore when it gets warmer. And there really isn't true southern food but there is food from soo many cultures! For example the Tubb's neighbor makes this awesome Buba Kanoosh  which reminds me of hummus !! I am already starting to fall in love here and I thank God for sending me!
At the same time I want to say if you ever make a trip here or any where on the mission field that no one will be as passionate as you are. And  please know there will be days you feel discouraged but that is why you need Jesus to hold you up! Again, I say there is no easy path!  Yes, I am weak but my God is strong and again I emphasize that is what keeps me going !
 I don't have my family here with me or my friends from home but I do have My Jesus and He gives me all I need ! He has given me a wonderful Cornerstone family and that is something to Celebrate! I don't have  a significant other but I have the greatest lover whose name is Jesus !  So with all of this I say  God thank you for taking me to a place that is not comfortable to remember your my comforter !

Let My Voice Be Heard

 I have come to understand the past few weeks that  no one will understand you the way Jesus does. You will try to explain your thoughts a thousand times but He is the only one who can connect with you. I have also come to realize that He is the greatest listener and lover. Although I am and will always be learning this is my desire that I would become more like Jesus. Especially in today's world! I think as people sometimes we try to be so helpful but were not. In fact as I have observed even in my own faults I  have come to own that I too must be aware of how much I listen.
There will be times I don't understand any one either but what I can offer is an ear along with a reminder of who God is. That is what I desire to offer because I know for me it is a frustration when I just want to be heard. Although I know both is important I think if we will open our ears more we may learn more. I mean just the other day as I was coming off the Subway I met a lady whose face was familiar.  This doesn't happen every day because any one who has been to New York knows it's a busy place but stopping just for a brief moment to talk was a reminder I need to stop and I need to listen.
This even goes for people who may be socially awkward to us because the reality were all awkward. I may be wrong but I am sure there are people who think I am awkward. It is even in this morning I wonder who decided whats awkward?
I could be wrong but I think people thought Jesus was awkward too and so when I think of Jesus I think Lord teach me to love. I know by no means I am perfect or will I have it together but I know within my heart that hearts have to change! This even goes for  people who hurt us. I am not saying we by pass them with allowing hurt but behind the hurt is a desire. Our world is constantly hurting and the least we could do is listen!!
Again just my thoughts but even in my own family I realize that I have to be a listener. I know I can't save every human on this earth but if I can be an ear I want to. I want to see this world how Jesus sees it. I want to love my family as God does. By no means is my life perfect but at some point we have to choose to be listeners. So who will you listen to today ?

Don't Forget To Say Thank You

It has been a while since I wrote friends and I would like to take the time to do so! I know many of you have read my updates through news letters and e-mails but I just want to take time to write what God has been teaching me lately! One of the things God has been really pressing in lately is He is God! And it's not that I don't know He's God but to many times my brain gets on a fast track of the " What if's?" I forget I am not meant to know it all. None of us were created that way and if we were we would miss the adventure!

 We were created to just be present but sometimes to be honest that is a hard concept. I find myself wondering a lot when I don't need to. In fact this week a little friend of mine name Sophia was reminding me of how much were called to just be grateful! I had ended up having some sweet time with her Thursday night and as we were going through the toys , to dinner to cookies all the way up to bath time she kept singing " Thank You April, Thank You Mommy, Thank You Daddy etc" And it made my heart stop and realize if I will just remember to say thank you that my heart will find the joy it needs in the unknown.

This one is especially needed this week because I haven't known what my days would be like since I have been waiting on water and  heat in my apartment which has been hard to be honest because I found myself asking so many questions to up simple things like a place of rest. However, God proved to me this week that He knew what He was doing! He gave me some time with the Tubbs, allowed me to enjoy company with my friend Caitlin with yummy middle eastern bread, gave me a retreat a friends house up till Sunday and that  has made all the difference! 

However,I'll be real this is still hard because I am still waiting for my water at my apartment but it is in this moment I am pressed that I have to keep saying thank you like my friend Sophia who is 3! We can't keep telling children to say thank you if we forget to tell our Creator!

And that my friends is hard because  I know that the things I face each day are only temporary but My God is eternal!

I am so learning to have to claim that because if I don't my mind and heart will explode! I'm telling you God has to be my glue! And this is soo important because He gets everything that we don't get! He even gets us when we feel like no one does! For that I am forever thankful today because my heart is too tired to explain all. I have so much I feel or I want to say but I can only live one day at a time!

And I have to trust Him to be the great interpreter of not just this week but my life with all it's visions! So, I am learning to lay them down because I am not God! He is ! Oh praise Him because He is! I write this with a heart saying Lord help me surrender my days!

Rejoice In The Lord Always

     " Rejoice in the Lord And Again I say Rejoice"

 How familiar are we with this phrase or verse ? I know many of us have heard it but it is one thing to live it! This is one of things I feel like God is challenging me on in having this attitude daily because we do not know what our tomorrows hold. And sometimes I loose sight of this because so much of me wants to have my questions about the future answered or to know what the next day holds and yet God doesn't work that way.
He works in His own timing! I've been learning a lot of that in many areas of  my life and I've had to be reminded that He also calls us just to be HIs but it's so easy to loose sight of that in a busy world or if your stubborn like me and you want to know answers quickly. I'll be honest with you I don't always understand the way God works but He's good even on days I get frustrated like yesterday over just a minor sickness. I didn't like the idea of having to sit back because I wanted to be with my Cornerstone family today but that's what God needed me to do!
I'm telling you even the minor things of life can feel hard. However, I also have to look at at positive things  that slowing down allows me to do such as organizing my drawer, getting to journal watching a movie etc! Those are just a few things I need to remember to celebrate because  if  I don't I 'll forget how much My Father knows or how  good He is! Also, it also reminded me that if I don't slow down I won't be able to care for those I do care about like I would like to!
 And so with all this in note I just want to write in words of encouragement that it's always better to rest and rejoice  even when you don't feel it because it allows us to have self care!

 Philippians 4:4-7 Check it Out Today !